growing up in poverty?

Recently ive been realising that infact my family situation really consisted of poverty, I always knew we were poor but I didnt really consider it as dirt poor as in below the povery line.



I realised this beacause ive been meeting my partner for lunch and her friends are not well off but they always go out at lunch and find somewhere to eat this seems normal social behaviour but today I felt like crap because frankly I just know I cant afford to pay for me and my parnter to have a burger so I just didnt eat. the way it is with our money is if I spend £10 that could be up to 3 meals and I know we cant just use that on a wimpy burger but I just got a bit annoyed because im always having to do this whole thing of saying no I dont need that, I dont need a sausage roll I can get it cheaper at the super market, I dont need that bread I can get the cheap stuff ect ect. I look around and I see a huge fat person and if you go out to eat in a fast food place you always do and they move so slow theres no way they could be working that day so what possible use could that have to society that would mean that they are able to eat huge amounts of crap all day? I then started to look at other people and realised the whole fact that most people dont have to save for clothes and the average person has a phone thats only 1 year old and just that when im in the supermarket there are pleanty of people getting the more expensive products while my time is consisted of working out which place has the cheapest kitchen roll.

Why does that matter? its simple because if I dont save 10p here 10p there only get x products that are normally £1.65 when they are £1 then simply I would not have enough money to buy all of the things I require to live off and that treat of "new clothes" or a gift for a friend or anything like that would never come and it would just be day in day out and a grey existance.


Sometime socially this poverty is a problem simply for small things that others take for granted such as holidays abroad, I had friends who would go on a holiday abroad yearly to their place in turkey even if they didnt go on holiday anywhere else. Others may not see this as a big deal but to me this was just a reminder that I have never been on holiday ever, not even a camping holiday within the U.K until recently I could list nights that I didnt sleep at home on my hand as weekends stayed at my Grandmothers, the week me and my sister stayed at my uncles and the night I stayed over a friends (this was the whole list until I was 19). In addition to this whenever I get asked about hobbies Its not easy either as I grew up in the middle of no where with little to do I just helped with whatever I could and did what was availiable to do so mostly helping with gardening to the point that I would try and make a automatic watering system. I never had the chance to really try to be a part of anything including after school clubs as my parents wouldnt pay the petrol to collect me after (the same reason I never had afterschool detentions). I would have loved to do archery but still to this date have never had the chance and alot of this comes down to a lack of personal development where I have not developed a clear personality so people dont trust me. in part because im am a potential but of unknown direction and I can not define myself as I dont have particular feelings in any directions I just analyse and compare.

since the age of around 12 Ive known when we faced additional hardship so needing £600 to fix the car or this or that bill and as a adult I can deal with it but a child knowing these things when they have no way of changing anything is harsh and has lasting effects. now its hard to shake the feeling that each problem I solve wont be followed by a additional problem for example march jobcentre fixed mess up and payed out real money so with planning I went to university where in september student fiance messed up and didnt pay the right amount then ended up paying a reduced amount because their calculator doesnt work properly. With this I have the feeling of impending doom so rather than doing assignments im thinking about whats going wrong and how im going to run out of money. Additionally each problem is more than a individual its a process with no end so you feel like if I fix this one Ill have to deal with the next and after a while you fail to see the point and get more pecimistic.


The biggest problem is that life is not sterile when I try to study for a degree I also have to deal with emotional termoil, feeding myself, sleeping, money, family rubish, shelter and everything else with all of these things effecting eachother it means when Im having trouble with one it can make others more difficult. As maslows hierarchy of needs states we need to deal with our more physical needs such as eating before dealing with self-fufilment, As yet I still hope to manage to get to the point where I actually look at my socal requirements as they have been deglected for long enough.